There were three nuns siting in a park a nude man came up to them. Two of the nuns fainted and other one had a stroke!
This joke was submitted by jayde on 17-Sep-2002
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You'll Know Yours Is A Redneck Church If
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."
Boone's Farm "Tickle Pink" is the favorite wine for communion.
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
Baptism is referred to as "branding."
There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.
Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy. The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub.
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.
This joke was submitted by Anonymous on 23-Apr-2002
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An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "stop! Acts 2:38" Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."
Scripture? replied the burglar. " She said she had an ax and two 38"s!
This joke was submitted by Anonymous on 23-Apr-2002
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A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the word 'Bible' means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know what the word Bible means'?"
The son replied, "I mean I figured out what the word stands for!"
"Okay," said his father. "So, Son, what does the word 'Bible' stand for?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." said the boy, "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth'."
This joke was submitted by Anonymous on 23-Apr-2002
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Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school. So they went to the nearest church. But only the janitor was there. One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"
"Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play."
When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick, because they pour the water on you. We're not Bablist because they dunk all of you in it. We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"
"Yes. What do you think that means?"
"That means we're Pisscopalians."
This joke was submitted by Anonymous on 20-Apr-2002
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Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two
extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them
between Adam and Eve.
He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the
ability to stand up while urinating.
"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an
apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability."
Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to. Please,
oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm
working in the garden or manning the animals I could just stand there and
let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh please,
God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh
please!"
On and on he went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and told
God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It
seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really
wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.
And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his
misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did
celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with
delight all the while. And it was good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's
left here?
Oh yes, Multiple Orgasms."
This joke was submitted by Irene on 5-Mar-2002
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| CHINESE JEWS Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al,
"are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese
Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went
into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir.
No, Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the
kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there
are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again.
"I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have
Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no
Chinese Jews."
This joke was submitted by Irene on 5-Mar-2002
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Directions for Adam and Eve
After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?" So the Lord
gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that Was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, " 'What is a 'caress'? So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "'Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "'You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love Lord?"' So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"
This joke was submitted by Irene on 5-Mar-2002
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3 nuns go to the park and sit down on a bench
A man jumps out and flashes them
The first one has a stroke
The second one has a stroke
And the thirds one's arm is too short so she just looks on...
This joke was submitted by kandy on 19-Jan-2002
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a burglar was robbing a house when he hears a voice "jesus is watching you".To his releif he finds out it's only a parrot. "whats your name? He asks.The parrot replies" moses". "What kind of people name there parrot moses".
"The same people who name there pittbull jesus
This joke was submitted by greg on 14-Jan-2002
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