| Q. Why do men feel intelligant while having sex? A. Because there pluged into a genius!
This joke was submitted by loretta on 12-Dec-2000
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A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen.
He asked her about it.
"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
"Mr. Klopman."
This joke was submitted by Anonymous on 25-Nov-2000
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| An elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a newlywed couple were talking to a priest about joining the new local church. The priest told them that one requiremnt was that each couple would have to restrain from having sex for two weeks. The couples agreed and left the priest with confidence. Two weeks later, the couples returned. The priest asked the elderly couple "Did you restrain from sex for the two weeks?" The couple replied,"Why, yes we did father."
"Congratulations, welcome to the church." He then asked the middle-aged couple the same question. "Yes father, we were okay the first few days and then I ended up sleeping on the couch for the remainder of the time." replied the man. "Congratulations, welcome to the church." Now the newlyweds. "Did you refrain from sex for the two weeks?"asked the priest. The couple replied, "We did really good for the first week, but father, I fell into temptation when she was reaching for a can of paint, and I just had to take her right there." "Well," said the priest, "You know you are not welcome to join the church now right?" The man replied, " I know, were not welcome at Home Depot either"!
This joke was submitted by Michelle Twilley on 29-Oct-2000
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Superman was watching porno movies one night and all of the sudden he got horney. He put on his cape and flew out the window and as he was flying above the roof tops he spotted Wonder Woman lying on her back naked with her legs straight up and spread. So Superman stops in mid air and thinks about it a bit and then all the sudden he flies down and pow pow pow and flies off. Wonder Woman gets up and say's "What the hell was that"?. The Invisable Man gets up and says "I don't know but it tore my ass up bad!".
This joke was submitted by Roger Harris on 25-Oct-2000
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A newly married couple enter their honeymoon suite with the bride issuing several orders - open the window, put the cases here, etc. The groom stopped and produced a pair of trousers from his case and asked the bride to put them on, she obliged and noted that they were too big, she couldn't wear them. "Just remember this", said the groom, "and our marriage will run smoothly". The bride then produced a pair of frilly knickers and invited the groom to put these on. He declared that he couldn't get into them and the bride added that things would stay this way until he changed his attitude!
This joke was submitted by Anon on 1-Apr-2000
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Three people are shipwrecked on a desert island, two men and a women.
After a few months on the island they realize that they aren't going to be rescued and so decide to make the best life that they can on the island.
The woman decides that she can't choose between the two men and rather than cause a fight, sleeps with both of them.
After a few more years on the island she starts to feel really guilty about sleeping with both guys and kills herself.
Well, time goes on and the two men decide to make other sexual arrangements between themselves...
After a few more years on the island one of the guys starts to feel guilty about the horrible things he's been doing and so...He buries the woman.
This joke was submitted by simon on 27-Mar-2000
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Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names."
Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell the truth, I forgot her name about three years ago!"
This joke was submitted by Anonymous on 22-Jan-2000
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This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that
the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "what are the green fees?". Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free." Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man
asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your damn bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
This joke was submitted by Anonymous on 21-Jan-2000
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| An elderly couple from Vermont had packed the Caddilac in late October, driving to Florida to escape the long New England winter. About half way, Grandpa stopped at a southern gas station and asked the attendant to fill 'er up. "I see you're from Vermont. I lived in Vermont once," the attendant said. Grandma, who had forgotten her hearing aid in one of the many bags in the trunk, shouted "What did he say?" "He said he lived in VT once!" shouted Gramps. "Yep. I lived there right after the war. I stayed with a woman who owned her own home in the country, worked full time and asked if I would hang out and keep the place up, mowing the lawn and cleaning house, that sort of thing." Grandma interrupted with "What did he say?" "He's telling me about where he lived!" shouted Gramps. "I had it all except she was the worst lover in the world. She was a Saint, most wholesome person I ever met with that one flaw. I couldn't take a lifetime of lousy lovin' so I left." Grandma shouted once more "What did he say?" Grandpa, being irritated by now, shouts back "He thought he might have known you once!"
This joke was submitted by Anonymous on 21-Jan-2000
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A woman was walking along a California beach when she stumbled upon a genie bottle. She decided to give it a try and lo and behold a genie popped out. The genie told the woman she could have one wish. The woman told the genie that she had always wanted to visit Hawaii but was terribly frightened to fly, and boats made her horribly seasick. She asked the genie if he would construct a bridge from the coast of California to the beautiful island of Honolulu. The genie thought for a second and said, " Oh my! In all my years of being a genie this has to be the most difficult request I have ever recieved. Do you realize all the work that would have to go into this project? The pilings, the concrete, the reinforcements. Madam I have never done this before but I am asking you to please reconsider and ask for another wish. The woman agreed and began to tell the genie how she would like her husband to be more caring, more supportive, loving, caring and affectionate. The genie thought about the request for awhile and then casually stated to the woman, "Would you like that bridge a 2 lane or a 4 lane?"
This joke was submitted by Jay Wollenburg on 17-Jan-2000
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