| What if Fed-ex joied with UPS Fed Up
This joke was submitted by Alycia on 23-Nov-2002
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Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt." The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and while wearing the bright garment he led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates. Later on, the lookout again spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain: "Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle?" The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood, and thus, you men will continue to resist, unafraid." All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout once again spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual reply. Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his mighty sailing ship and, without fear, turned and calmly shouted: "Get me my brown trousers."
This joke was submitted by Big Papa Smurf on 24-Apr-2002
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A old woman walks into an ice cream store and stands behind the counter, studying the selections. She stands there for 30 minutes or so and finally decides what she wants. She tells the man behind the counter
"I want chocolate ice cream"
He says "Sorry ma'm there is no chocolate ice cream"
she says" No No No I want chocolate ice cream."
He says "Ma'm, there is no chocolate ice cream. We have choclate mint, chocolate chip," and lists off a variety of diferent flavors.
she says " No, I want chocolate ice cream"
The man Is getting annoyed and says
"Ma'm can you spell strawberry as in strawberry ice cream?"
She says "Yes S-t-r-a-w-b-e-r-r-y"
"can you spell vanilla as in vanilla ice cream?"
"Yes, V-a-n-i-l-l-a"
"good good. Can you spell fuck as in chocolate ice cream"
The lady lucks at him puzzled and says "But there is no fuck n' chocolate ice cream"
"That what I have been trying to tell you,you dumb lady. "There is no fucken' chocolate ice cream!"
This joke was submitted by Rachel F. on 7-Jan-2002
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SIGNS FOUND IN KITCHENS
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1. Kitchen closed - - this chick has had it!
2. Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
3. I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat too!
4. So this isn't Home Sweet Home... Adjust!
5. Ring Bell for Maid Service...If no answer do it yourself!
6. I clean house every other day.... Today is the other day!
7. If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
8. I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
9. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
10. A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
11. COOK CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
12. I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
13. If you don't like my standards of cooking...lower your standards.
14. You may touch the dust in this house...but please don't write in it!
15. Apology...Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.
16. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
17. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
18. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
19. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
20. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
21. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
22. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
23. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
24. My next house will have no cupboards, just vending machines.
25. Gardening forever... Housework, never!
26. Dull women have immaculate houses.
This joke was submitted by Anonymous on 14-Nov-2000
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| Mike had a business with two workers, Jack and Mary. They were both excellent workers. But, despite all their efforts, business was falling off and Mike had to lay off one of his workers. But which one? They both worked equally hard. He decided to watch them the next day, and the first one to take a break from work would be the one he would lay off. The next day both Jack and Mary worked very hard for several hours until, finally, Mary got up and went to the water cooler. Mike went over to her to deliver the bad news. "Mary," he said, "I have to lay you or Jack off." She replied "Can you jack off? I have a headache."
This joke was submitted by Max on 20-Sep-2000
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Q. What kind of paper has an echo?
A. A calling card.
This joke was submitted by Sabina on 14-Apr-2000
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| Q. There was a butcher that was 6'8''and 380 lbs. What did he weigh? A. Meat
This joke was submitted by ananomous on 5-Apr-2000
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Joe and Frank were in the office, and noticed that someone had put up a suggestion box with some 3x5 cards next to it. Both decided that this was a great idea, and each took a card to fill out.
Joe wrote, "The office workers should all be given raises!"
When he looked at Frank's card, it said "Can we all have raises, and keys to the executive washroom, and personal secretaries, and new company cars, and new coffee cups, and longer lunch breaks, and an extra three weeks vacation each
year, and a holiday on St. Patricks Day, and Columbus Day and Martin Luther Kings Birthday?"
Joe said, "Frank, that isn't the right way of getting things changed around here. . . . You shouldn't put all of your begs in one ask-it."
This joke was submitted by Anonymous on 14-Jan-2000
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So there's this Wizard who worked in a factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot.
This continued until he put up the following sign: "This parking space belongs to the Wizard... Violators will be toad."
This joke was submitted by Anonymous on 14-Jan-2000
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